Once I Wondered . . .

“I wandered lonely as a cloud …” Oops, wrong poem.

When I was younger, I wondered about a lot of things. Now I know some of the answers.

Answers

Older women put lots of blush on their cheeks because they can no longer see how much they’ve applied.

Older women don’t pluck out most of their eyebrows so they can draw them on with eyebrow pencils. Their eyebrows disappear as they age.

Older women add weight because cutting calories by 20% and totally eliminating empty calories is close to impossible.

Older people squint at pages of print because they think that doing so will make the print larger.

Older people cup their hands behind their ears because this action redirects sounds into their ears (and also blocks out surrounding noises).

And I Still Learn

I'm learning that most women, including those in my age group, desire to: 1) appear younger (around $60 billion spent world-wide each year for anti-aging and skin care products) 2) be thinner (about $40 billion spent in America each year on diet products and weight loss programs), and 3) have healthier bodies (approximately $1.5 billion dollars spent on supplements and vitamins each year in America and several billion on fitness centers and exercise equipment).

And I Try

Okay, I’m guilty of #1 and #3. I purchase beauty products, vitamins, and supplements (but not equipment). As for #2, my success with controlling portion sizes and limiting empty calories is situation dependent. I estimate a 70% (maybe less) success rate.

So, since I can’t make myself younger, I wrote some reminders that are based on years of people-watching, mostly in airports and shopping centers.

Notes to Old Self

Always

• Remember Edith Head's advice: "If it's not pretty, don't show it."
• Keep hair cut above shoulders
• Use hair-removal cream on face

Never

• Color hair inky-black
• Use bright right red lipstick
• Apply excessive or greasy foundation
• Use glitter eye make-up
• Wear wide belts (with the exception of a seat belt)
• Wear “plastered-on” pants or short skirts
• Show cleavage
• Use cologne in excess 

Remember When Shopping

• Current fashions are created for the young
• Older arms do flap
• Older thighs are fat
• Spider veins are visible

Now maybe I can find a supplement that will help me remember my notes.