Email Communication

It’s only been within the past few months that I’ve learned how to express exact meaning in an email. I’ve discovered that a special code exists for doing this. Today I will explain the finer points of expressing emotions through email, just in case you don’t already know them.

Email Communication Code:

• Use of all capital letters:  I am yelling at you.
• Use of all capital letters with selected words underlined: I’m still yelling, but at times I’m shrieking.
• Use of capital letters with some bolded words mid-sentence: I feel that you are probably too stupid to get the point unless I emphasize it for you.
• Parenthetical statement: (I added an unrelated statement to support my thesis.)
• Use of quotation marks and bolding: I’m angry about something someone said about me.
• Use of the phrase, “bless his/her/their heart/s: I’m insulting someone – in a nice sort of way, of course.
• Black text is replaced with blue text: I am now copying to you something another person sent to me by email.
• Blue lower-case text is bolded: The person whose email I copied does not yell as loudly as do I.
• Red text in the middle of a sentence: Now I’m really hacked off!
• Blue text is capitalized: I’m asking a rhetorical question.
• email unsigned: Since I’m really angry with you, I won’t even grace this email with my special name.

Following is an email I’m sending to the coyote that lives on the hill behind our condo. This email uses all of the above techniques for effective email communication.

COYOTE:

I’M TRULY SORRY I BAD-MOUTHED YOU IN THE COMMUNITY AFTER YOU HOWLED AND CARRIED ON AT THREE IN THE MORNING. HOWEVER, I FEEL JUSTIFIED SINCE I CAN’T FUNCTION WITHOUT MY REST.

I do not have time to personally come up there and take care of you. If I had that kind of time in my life, all of my summer clothes would be out of storage and my windows would be sparkling clean. (Are you aware that you are the most unpopular resident of this neighborhood?)

I hear that you referred to me as “NOSEY.” I CONSIDER IT MY BUSINESS WHEN YOU BARGE RUDELY INTO MY NEIGHBOR’S YARD WHILE SHE IS GARDENING AND BITE HER ON THE ELBOW. The blind people from the Division of Wildlife are looking for you, bless their hearts.

I’m not alone in my feelings regarding your behavior. Dear Verla, I’m refusing to serve on the condo swimming pool committee until something is done about that coyote.

As you can see, Mary is so upset she is refusing to accept a new committee assignment and SHE IS ONE OF THE MOST EFFECTIVE MEMBERS TO EVER HAVE SERVED ON ONE OF OUR COMMITTEES.

I HAVE TRIED TO BE A GOOD NEIGHBOR BUT I HAVE RECEIVED ABSOLUTELY NO COOPERATION FROM YOU.

HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN THAT I SHOULD CHOOSE THE NEIGHBOR BEFORE THE HOUSE?